We all sensible people in world agree that good relationships are the foundation for success in all areas of our life. But, rarely do we realise that it begins with our relationship with our own self. If we do not love our own self completely with all the strengths and weaknesses by ensuring whether our own needs are met or not, we will find it difficult to accept others, love others and help out other around us.

Your relationship with yourself is arguably the most important relationship in life. Self-relationship is the foundation of everything else including philanthropy.  One’s relationship with oneself is crucial and needs to be built like many other relationships in life.  Healthy self-love is most essential. How you value yourself as a person, how you embrace yourself with all the good and the bad in you, your self-relationship, how much you trust yourself is very important in building your life and relationships with others in your life. Ironically, the most selfless thing you can do is to be self-cantered.

The time you spend with yourself is very important; spending time alone is actually a good thing for building your relationship with yourself. Some crucial studies have shown that having more me time has benefits such as increasing productivity, contentment, gratitude and empathy. It doesn’t matter what you do in that me time, as long as you are doing it alone. Please understand that me time does not mean trying to change the way we live our lives for other people. It means allowing ourselves to be truly seen for who we are. It means letting go of feeling that we have to be someone that we are not or trying to speak or act in a way that doesn’t feel affiliated for us.

Me time is a term which has been popularized by all forms of the media geared towards issues of female interest, more particularly in women’s magazines. The idea is that, amidst the stress of 21st century life, a woman finds it increasingly difficult to spend time which is exclusively for her and is not intruded upon by the non-stop demands of work and family. Me time, is a period of time when a woman can put herself first and do something that she particularly enjoys to aid relaxation and revival. This might be as simple as having a bubble bath, sitting down with a cup of tea, listening to some most precious songs, painting or drawing, or going on a trip to the gym or a weekend away. Though not used exclusively with reference to women, this term lies heavily in the female domain. But, it is also means equally the same for men.

The time a person has to himself or herself, in which to do something for his or her own enjoyment is refreshing. Unplug yourself, ban all electronics, social media, email and phone calls for a set amount of time, and instead read a book or magazine, go for a walk, or simply stare out the window and daydream.

Being alone can help you build mental strength. Solitude is important. Studies show the ability to tolerate alone time has been linked to increased happiness and improved stress management. People who enjoy alone time experience less depression. Can you imagine how many people are scared to live alone and therefore they cling on to wrong relationships? This is a fact.  

Me-time increases empathy. It increases your productivity.  Although many organizations offices have started creating open floor plans so everyone can communicate more easily, some studies show being surrounded by people kills productivity. People perform better when they are left alone in their privacy.

Me-time helps you to plan your life. It helps you to know yourself better. Being alone helps you become more comfortable in your own skin. When you are by yourself, you can make choices without outside influences. And that will help you develop better insight about who you are as a person. Start scheduling me-time as often as you can.

Today, in our society we consider ‘not be busy’ as despicable. People misunderstand being busy with worthiness, popularity, and success. Complaining about being busy and working all the time is such a humdrum which most of us do it without thinking. We funnily derive our self-esteem from what others think about us…we look up to the tags given by other to us. We put in efforts to satisfy others, so that in turn they satisfy our egos.

On the other hand, solitude is the state of being alone without feeling lonely. It leads to self-awareness. Sometimes, we need to be left alone, this aloneness is chosen by a conscious choice by an individual for quiet solitude, and it does not carry with it the negative emotional conditions associated with loneliness. Solitude is a time for personal reflection. People who are artists, intelligent and creative need time to live alone to accomplish their goals.

Solitude allows our body to catch up with our mind: We over use our mind and body thinking, analyzing, contemplating and planning always; only when we take a pause or stop and get off the merry-go-round of daily life, our mind and body can once again get back into sync. Body gives signals often to slow down, which solitude offers.

Solitude allows brain to rest: In an over stimulated world, our minds are constantly in an overactive mode. Solitude allows mind to detach from the entire endless rattle coming from the environment around us: the radio, TV, mobile, newspapers, Internet, the hustle bustle, traffic noise on street and chattering of others. When we get some time for self, our muscles relax, blood pressure decreases, and heart rate slows. Solitude is the anti-adrenaline system that kicks off when we just relax.

Solitude prevents burnout: We keep struggling with multitasking job, career, socialising which creates prolonged, intense and unresolved stress. We literally run out of physical and psychological energy, due to which we get disorganized, inefficient, and become erratic.

Solitude enhances creativity: It frees the mind up from the commotion of everyday life and allows it to focus more fully on one thing. It allows the brain to think outside the box and to come up with inimitable, extraordinary solutions to ordinary problems. That is the reason why artists such as painters, sculptures, musicians, authors, lyricists and researchers spend a lot of time being alone.

Solitude helps in self-discovery: It gives us a chance to learn something about ourselves, in my opinion self-discovery is a process that involves asking and answering basic questions: who am I? What am I doing? Where is my journey taking me? Am I at ease with myself?  Solitude allows dealing with these pertinent questions in life. It is therefore important for our internal growth, it restores body and mind. Sometimes it’s better to choose to be lonely. The quieter we become, the more we can hear.

It is becoming growingly difficult these days for people to nourish their relationships with siblings, parents, associates, neighbours, peers, bosses, classmates………why? We fail at love every time, despite trying so hard, why? I suppose slowly we all forgetting what love is.  We are not prepared to let go, compromise, get ready for the unconditional love. We are inept to invest in feelings, patience, emotions to make a relationship work. Feelings and emotions don’t come easy and we want our relationships to tick easily. Our esteems and egos have grown so fragile that we quit from relationships so easily. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

So, why are we getting lonelier? The modern society is transformed. Everyone wants his/her space. We prefer to live in nuclear family units; we prefer to maintain distance from our extended family and friends. Instead our reliance on people, we depend more on technological gadgets. In addition, we rely on social technology rather than face to face interaction, the social fabric itself is jumbled which makes us feel more isolated. We feel less connected to others and our relationships are becoming more superficial and not gratifying.

We are forgetting that we are basically social animals and need to feel that we “belong” to others and feel connected to one another. The fact is, social pain is same as physical pain sensation; researchers have shown that loneliness and rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain does.

Loneliness affects all of us at some point in our lives. Moving to a new house, school, locality, and job is painful experience because you lose your friends, associates, mentor somebody to who we feel belonged to. Research suggests that this experience of loneliness is useful to us as it motivates us to reconnect with others and to seek out new friendships to reduce the “social pain.” But for some, when reconnection is not easy or not possible, he/she gets socially isolated; people can remain in this uncomfortable loneliness state for a number of years. Reports vary but typically the numbers of people experiencing loneliness in this prolonged way range from 3 per cent to 30 per cent.

And, for those who experience loneliness for a prolonged period, it impacts on their health seriously. Loneliness has been linked to poor mental health, obesity, addiction such as drugs, cigarettes, alcohol etc. In a research conducted by Mental Health Foundation, more than a third of people surveyed had felt depressed as a result of feeling lonely.

We are not designed to be solitary creatures. From beginning of mankind, we have progressed in living in groups; the need to interact is deeply ingrained in our genetic code. So much so, says John Cacioppo (who was the Tiffany and Margaret Blake Distinguished Service Professor and the founder and director of the Centre for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago) that the absence of social connection generates the same, primal alarm bells as hunger, thirst and physical pain. Loneliness is that serious.

A sense of connection to other human beings is vital. Without it we can feel trapped in an unending and unwanted state of loneliness. Like love, loneliness is a complex combination of emotions; it is a blend of anxiety, fear and nostalgia with a base note of sadness. If love is a positive emotion, loneliness is classically a negative experience.

How to tackle loneliness problem? Governments play a central role in spreading message of importance of social connections. Besides, United Kingdom, Netherlands, New Zealand, France, Ireland, and Sweden are seriously taking corrective actions to spread messages among their citizens about the role friendship and wellbeing. In the hierarchy of relationships, friendships are at the bottom. Parents, friends, siblings, children, romantic partners all these come first.

It is worth high accolades that the UK government appointed Tracey Crouch as minister for loneliness. This appointment comes as a result of a government report on social isolation. Among other gloomy statistics, the report suggests that around 200,000 older people hadn’t had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month. Crouch has been asked to produce a strategy to tackle what has become a reality of modern life for many people.

The Prime Minister Theresa May has declared a dedicated fund which will see government working with charitable trusts, foundations, and others to stimulate innovative solutions to loneliness across all ages, backgrounds and communities, provide seed fund for communities to come together to develop activities which enable people to connect, scale-up and spread existing work offering practical and emotional support to help lonely individuals reconnect with their communities. The government has created pocket parks programme which has transformed unused spaces into new green areas, giving lonely people the chance to join volunteering groups and interact with neighbours.

For far too many people, loneliness is the poignant reality of modern life; mindfulness helps positively to see things clearly and connect more fully. One needs to increase the mindfulness.