The years from 0 to 7 are crucial years in a child’s life. The years from birth to age 7 are decisive because this is a period of rapid brain development and physical development where nervous system is growing at an incredible rate and setting the foundation for future learning, behaviour, and strength. During this period, children build critical skills in areas like language, motor function, and social-emotional development. Children don’t forget traumas throughout their lives which take place in this delicate formative years. Their experiences and environment play a significant role in shaping their life potential till end.

Erick Erickson is a German American psychologist and psychoanalyst. Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development proposes that personality is shaped through eight stages across the lifespan, with each stage presenting a unique psychosocial crisis that must be resolved. Successfully resolving these conflicts, such as “Trust vs. Mistrust” in infancy or “Autonomy vs shame” and “Initiative vs. Guilt” till 7 years leads to a healthy personality and the development of basic virtues. Failure to resolve a crisis can result in difficulties in future stages, while success provides a foundation for continued psychological growth.

0 to 18 months is called Trust vs Mistrust

During this time, infants depend entirely on caregivers and learn to either trust the world based on constant love and caregiving. If an infant misses this it develops a suspicious view due to neglect or inconsistency in caregiving.  Successful navigation of this stage leads to the development of a sense of hope in the infant. Newborns use their sense of touch to bond with caregivers, they communicate needs though cry, and sounds like cooing, gurgling, babbling and explore the world by feeling shapes, textures, and temperatures. This sense is crucial for early development, helping them to learn about objects, develop body awareness which help them to regulate their emotions.

Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (18 months to 3 years)

Autonomy is the will to accomplish things independently and do things on our own. This developmental stage occurs during early childhood. If children are over protected or neglected the feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem enters their personality. A successful outcome results in the child having a sense of self-control and self-worth.  Children naturally start holding things and walking with support between 9 and 18 months, a skill known as “cruising”. They usually begin to walk independently between 12 and 18 months, with many taking their first steps around 12 to 15 months. By 18 months, most toddlers are walking, and by 18 months, they can typically walk independently. This gives them the feeling of autonomy. Children seek independence and exploration through play, which helps them develop new skills and express emotions. They seek to do things by  themselves, learn through imitation, and are developing language, motor skills, and social understanding. This age is characterized by curiosity, a desire to be more self-sufficient, and growing communication abilities. When they are neglected by caregivers, they feel frustration and throw tantrums.

Initiative vs. Guilt (3-6 years)

During this phase of the children’s life, they assert more control over their environment through play and social interactions, leading to a sense of purpose and initiative when encouraged. If their actions are too much criticized or controlled, they develop a sense of guilt complex, causing them to become hesitant and fearful of taking lead or command in their lives and future. This stage is called pre-school. During this stage of life children learn to assert themselves and take control over their world through play and social interactions. Successfully navigating this stage leads to a sense of initiative, confidence, and purpose. When children are overly criticized or controlled, it leads to self-doubt and hesitation in their future endeavours. 

7 years onwards, children learn to become independent, develop a sense of purpose by taking initiative, and build self-confidence through developing skills and a sense of competence. Successful navigation of these stages builds a strong foundation for a healthy personality and leads to virtues like will, purpose, and competence.

children who don’t receive adequate parental support often struggle to build confidence. This lack of support can manifest as conditional love, criticism, or overprotection, which teaches children that their worth is not inherent, or that they are incapable of handling challenges, leading to low self-esteem and anxiety. A foundation of warm, caring, and unconditionally loving parents helps children feel secure, enabling them to explore the world with a stronger sense of self-worth and resilience.

Lack of parental support impacts confidence of children in education. It can lead their behaviour and social skills. This lack of support can result from factors like parental time constraints, low self-efficacy regarding academic help, lower socioeconomic status, or language barriers with schools. It can create lower academic performance. It can also lead to school dropout. 

Love and appreciation are most important at this stage of child’s growth.  When a child doesn’t feel loved or constantly feels like a burden, it leads to shame and low self-esteem. Not being praised for efforts or unique qualities can discourage creativity and unique thinking. When parents tell their child they are not as good as a sibling or friend can make them feel inadequate. Constant mockery of their attempts can also make them afraid to try new things. It’s very dangerous. Parents don’t realise this. Consistent issues like perceived favouritism, inconsistent discipline, and insufficient guidance directly fuels sibling rivalry. When children don’t feel seen, valued, or secure in their parents’ love, they may compete for scarce parental attention and resources, leading to resentment and conflict.

In case of overprotection or constant shielding a child from all challenges or failures may seem helpful, but it can lead them to feel anxious when they encounter stressful situations later in life because they haven’t learned to cope. Even when parents micromanage or control every decision of child, it prevents a child from developing independence and the ability to make their own choices.

Conclusion

My own study and experience have taught me to those children who received unconditional love  develop a strong sense of self-worth. The feeling of security helps them to explore and take risks. Widespread psychological research confirms that an insecure or traumatic childhood has profound and lasting negative effects on an individual’s adulthood, often weakening their ability to form healthy relationships, manage emotions, and achieve their full potential even as adults. Callous parenting can manifest as low self-esteem, difficulty with intimacy and relationships, and increased risk for mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse in adults. Children who internalize feelings of worthlessness from their experiences can develop a false self and a deep sense of emptiness.

A research suggests that parents feel closer to their children and they are lesser able to say ’no’ to their whims. The closeness comes at a cost as children have started to manipulate more influence on their parents; they are become more demanding and are spoilt. Their demand for instant gratification for anything is called pester- power. It is now days very much visible and troublesome. The idea that parents must apologize for any noise their child makes in public does not go too well with them. Some children are disrespectful or disobedient; they even pick fights with others, these traits and habits they learn from their parents. If the parents are demanding and rude, their children will be rude and demanding. Parents are solely responsible for how their children act. Sometimes kids just don’t realize it’s impolite to interrupt, pick their nose, or loudly comment on somebody’s looks.

Most parents opt for nuclear family styles; both are working and engage a nanny to raise their kids. The absence of parents in the first five years of a child’s life has its bad effects obviously. In the age of internet where children are not monitored what they are watching, is frightening. Sometimes children are left all by themselves to raise themselves. The internet becomes a companion for the child and his peers whom the parents don’t even know. It’s been observed that in some household, where one parent is earning sufficiently, the other still for the sake of his/her ambition leaves home for more money and career.

The trend today is immediately when the child is born, he or she is transferred to the Day Care Centre. In Day care Centres, you see parents bringing their children-infants as early as 6 am. They spend the next twelve hours outside the home. They pick their children at 6 pm. Then the rich parents hire nannies to take care of their children, and you see parents leaving their children even when the child is still sleeping, and coming back in the night, sometimes when the child is in bed. You find parents who only want to have children, but avoid the responsibility of raising their children. They hire nannies and abandon their children for others to rise. If a child is feeling unloved that affects how his/her development.

Under the tag of being “modern” the culture has taken away prayer and anything spiritual and moral in home or the school. Most children have no spiritual guideline and moral values. Parents don’t have time for teaching them cultural and spiritual values, therefore, the children learn bad things such as stealing, early sexual involvement, bulling, lack of respect to your elders etc easily. It’s easier to learn bad things than good things.  Organizing evil is easier than organizing good. The simplicity of evil and complexity of good become visibly rooted in human nature.

Sigmund Freud wrote his book “Civilization and Its Discontents” from exile in London where he fled to escape Hitler’s war. He has mentioned in his book about a glaring flaw that practicing natural science without moral education has its evil effects on society. Like many, Freud failed to see the need for two systems of science with one capable of studying atoms and the other capable of studying values. The asymmetric evolution of the one without the other began with the Greeks and was advanced by the Europeans of the Renaissance and Age of Reason. During this period, the best minds failed to come up with a definition of good without using examples of good; without which there can be no science of values and morals to keep up with advancing natural science and technology, and its unintended consequences.

Coming back to parenting; a child is fully enriched if its mother and father do a good job, it will never ever forget in his life what his parents taught him. And, parents cannot begin to teach when children are teenagers. When you leave your child for someone to rise for you, especially in the first five years of the child, the most crucial years of the child, the fact remains you don’t know what people are doing behind your back with your child. The caretakers smoke, flirt, talk lies, steals your belonging. One of my friends in US kept a nanny for her little baby, the nanny used to smoke heavily. The child was absorbing the whole smoke. After a little while, that child developed severe lung problems. My friend paid heavily for the treatment.

In conclusion, in an era of nanny raised kids, we will find many excuses to make ourselves feel better and shrug our responsibilities for our kids’ behaviour. We have made it the priority to get our kids into the best schools and we have forgotten to teach them good manners which are way more important than good grades. But in such a competitive world, we are only forcing them to get ahead no matter what that takes. No wonder, the moral stamina of society has taken a toll.

Contrastingly, somebody who has materially very little, might raise an excellent human being if all else falls into place. Time and again teaching values, correcting your child with his/her behavior, most importantly how you behave in difficult times will usually result in your children having the same values. Let’s not forget that our children are not tailor-made; beyond everything else, they come to us with inborn qualities that we cannot exclusively order, request, or even refuse to accept as detrimental. What best we can do is, with lots of love and attention and words of wisdom make our children understand what is right and what is wrong.

One thing those who aren’t parents fail to understand about being a parent is: the deep, touching and incredible love that changes you forever when your child is born! The tiny creature makes you a parent. You are born as mother/father and that makes it a complex, overwhelming, yet fantastic experience.

Does reading books on parenting help

Can reading some books on parenting help you become a better parent? Can you copy someone else’s (successful) strategy for bringing up your children? Do often visits to counselors help you become better parent? Nope, the idea of seeking parenting advice from others and not listening to your heart is futile. Parenting is a reality and not an imagination. Any parent will tell you that it is very different than they thought it would be. Every child throws variety of challenges at its parents; and each challenge are different. Every experience is different. Children go through distinct periods of development as they move from infants to young adults and from young adults to adults. During each of these stages multiple changes in the development of the brain and body take place.  What occurs and approximately when these developments take place are genetically determined. However, environmental circumstances and the child’s experience with key individuals within that environment have significant influence on how each child benefits from each developmental event. So, there are no hard and fast rules and regulations that one can follow.

There is no doubt that for most families, the teen years present a challenge for both parents and children. During adolescence, kids need their parents more than ever. Research shows that a positive family environment including fun and frolic, creative family activities, open parent-child communication and the encouragement to participate in positive extracurricular and community activities help teens ably to navigate these years with relative ease.

What exactly is parenting? An art or science

I think parenting is both an art as well as science. I call it an art because it depends a lot on a parent’s creative response to the each challenge. The challenge of disciplining, the challenge of bonding which fits the child’s personality, the challenge of making your children eat proper food, challenge of educating your child on sexual matter, keeping an eye on child’s friends, the right values so on and forth. I think parenting is an art because it is finding new ways of weaving values into your child’s life.

Parenting is also science because your child and you are biological entities. And the biology is ruled mostly by black and white writing. It involves psychology, sociology, anthropology, nutrition, genetics etc, etc and all these are science therefore parenting is science also.

But the art is what takes more effort. This requires a parent to trust on his/her instincts, to observe, to listen, to guide, to speak, to talk with changed tones, to act, and to learn from each experience. And, all these actions involve a lot of trial and error. Therefore, parenting is both science and art. There is no first thing or last thing. You cannot do everything correct the first time. You will commit mistakes, reflect upon them, share them with others, figure out reasons and solutions, search the Internet and do what you feel is best ……that’s about it.

Parenting is about knowing your child is always watching you

Your children are always watching you. So be honest. Don’t go out of your way to hide your shortcomings. We are not Gods, we are mortal human. We can fail, we can be wrong, we can err sometimes – the best thing to do is be honest about our shortcomings. Don’t ill-treat yourself.

It’s better to be upfront without going too much into details when it comes to correcting your child. Sometimes, when you see your own bad habits in your children start working together to get rid of those bad habits. It can be fun.

I want to make another very important point here, that is your child and you are two separate people. Your child’s habits and traits are his/her alone. Your child’s success, failure, temperament, illness, way of walking, manners are going to be far different than your imagination. Don’t get too attached to what other say or comment on your child. Accept your child wholeheartedly.

And last but not the least; don’t lose your sense of humor. Learn to laugh at those silly mistakes made by you, your spouse and your child. You need not always be serious about life. One of the best parts of being a parent is spending time playing with your kids and seeing them grow.  It’s a great opportunity to feel like a child, a teenager, an adult again and that is precious. Spending time with your kids enjoying their company through their each millstone is precious. Be your child’s best friend. Pass on the legacy to children of appreciating goodness in others and a love for the basics in life. Children are incredibly wise and tend to see the world more simply than we do. Sometimes they think far better than we do; perhaps it’s time we start taking their advice.