In the 1960s, Dr. Eric Berne designed a communication style called Transactional Analysis (TA). Dr. Berne proposed that verbal communication is the core of all social interactions, especially the face-to-face communication. We find that some people are authoritative in their tone and body language, some are vulnerable – childlike while some are curt -straight forward and tend to take instant decisions. Dr. Berne observed that people interchange into their ego states of Child, Parent and Adult depending on situations they face; any person is made up of 3 alter ego personas. Their responses depend on conditions; in vulnerable situations their communication is not all that effective.

In an ideal situation, communication between 2 individuals should always be in Adults state. In that way, both individuals are thoughtful, reasonable, and able to make mature decisions. But in reality, that does not happen. TA helps in understanding why someone wants to do something, why someone wants to deal with some particular person, what they want to do, by when they want to complete some work and  in exchange of what.

For example, your boss talks to you in Parent state; as though, he/she knows everything better than you know. Your friend is undergoing a divorce and is not too sure of her feelings, she is in a Child ego state; all that you are talking to her in logical sense loses its essence, because she is vulnerable at that moment. These sorts of communication problems often occur in our lives, but we just don’t understand how or why they happen. Dr. Berne’s work is now used to examine and improve conversation between individuals conducting business.

All transactions in our life are made with certain expectations. Occasionally contracts are made with multiple parties – with all parties to the contract having their own expectations. If these expectations are all compatible then things work out, if they are ambiguous, it is better to discuss out everybody’s expectations which will lead to greater understanding and therefore to a clear contract. Contracts need to be outlined in positive words i.e. what is wanted, rather than what is not wanted. Dr. Berne observed that our minds tend to focus on the negative aspects first, which encourages failure. For example, we are so suspicious in nature, that when we are given certain instructions we tend to do what we are not told to do.

People who are good in negotiation skills seem to have mastered transactional analysis. It is very important to adopt to a suitable ego state to resolve differences and to get the best deal. Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable; from time-to-time they keep arising due to our expectations and wants. We don’t realize that each person has a different belief system. Without negotiation, such conflicts may lead to argument and resentment resulting in one or all of the parties feeling dissatisfied. The point of negotiation is to try to reach agreements without causing future barriers in communications.

Dr. Berne’s concept of ego states helps to explain how we are made up, and how we relate to others. These are drawn as three piled circles and they are one of the building blocks of Transactional Analysis. They set the ways we think, feel and behave and are called Parent, Adult, and Child. Each ego state is given a capital letter to denote the difference between actual parents, adults and children.

Parent ego state

This is a set of feelings, thinking and behavior that we have copied from our parents and significant others in our lives. As we grow up we get inspired and take in ideas, beliefs, feelings and behaviors from our parents and custodians. If we live in an extended family then there are more people to learn and take in from. When we do this, it is called interrupting and it is just as if we take in the whole of the care giver. At times, we realize that saying things just as our father, mother, uncle, aunt or grandmother or an elderly neighbor. We use some statements by which we are influenced greatly. Consciously, even if we don’t want to, we do this as we have lived with this person so long that we automatically replicate certain things that were said to us, or treat others as we might have been treated. The parent ego state can be of two types: a nurturing parent or a controlling parent.

Adult ego state

The Adult ego state is about direct responses to the here and now. We deal with things the way they need to be dealt with without allowing our past experience to hinder with it. Adult state does not allow our past to influence our decisions. The Adult ego state is about being spontaneous and aware with the capacity and familiarity. When we transact through our Adult ego state, we are able to see people as they are, rather than what we project onto them. We seek information for taking rational decisions. Assumptions have no room in our decision making. Taking the best from the past and using it appropriately in the present is a combination of the positive aspects of both our Parent and Child ego states. So this can be called the Integrating Adult. Integrating means that we are constantly updating ourselves through our everyday experiences and using this for our rationality. The Adult in us is the ‘grown up’ rational person who talks reasonably and assertively, yet neither trying to control nor reacting aggressively towards others. The Adult is comfortable with himself/herself and is, for many of us, our ‘ideal self’.

The Child ego state is a set of behaviors, thoughts and feelings which are replayed from our own childhood. They say our core personalities are developed from 0-5 years in our childhood.

Child ego state

Perhaps the boss calls us into his or her office, we may immediately get a churning in our stomach and wonder what we have done wrong. If this were explored we might remember the time the head teacher called us in to tell us off. Of course, not everything in the Child ego state is negative. We might go into someone’s house and smell a lovely smell and remember our grandmother’s house when we were little, and all the same warm feelings we had at five years of age may come flooding back.

Remember that both the Parent and Child ego states are constantly being updated. There are three types of child we play:

• Natural child is aware of himself/herself. They are open to new ideas, they are playful and vulnerable.
• Another is a cute professor. This child is curious and exploring. He/she always tries out new things, such as child often annoys the parent.
• The third one is Adaptive child who tries to adapt himself/herself to the surrounding by changing or molding according to situation. At times they rebel against forces which are not befitting.

Self-talk needs observation

In structural model of TA, the Integrating Adult ego state circle is placed in the middle to show how it needs to coordinate between the Parent and the Child ego states. For example, the internal Parent ego state may beat up on the internal Child, saying “look you did it wrong again, you are no good, you are shabby, you are stupid, you are useless”. The Child may then respond with “I am no good, I am useless, I am stupid, I can never do it good, I never get it right.” It is so important to nurture the child in us. It is therefore, very important to keep a tab on our self-talk. When we do not pay attention to our internal dialogue, as it goes on constantly, we make or break our self-image. An effective Integrating Adult ego state can intervene between the Parent and Child ego states. This might be done by stating that this kind of parenting is not helpful and asking if it is prepared to learn another way. Alternatively, the Integrating Adult ego state can just stop any negative dialogue and decide to develop another positive Parent ego state perhaps taken in from other people they have met over the years.

Emotional growth of child: People unknowingly only concentrate on the stages of their child’s physical development and have little insight or understanding about the importance of child’s emotional development. It is so important to understand child’s emotional development. Rarely, we see parents who acknowledge how their child might be feeling at a particular time and what impressions they are making on the child. It is important to remember that each child develops in his/her own unique way depending on its personality.

TA rests on these facts: the human brain acts like a tape recorder, and while we may ‘forget’ experiences, the brain still has them recorded. Along with events the brain also records the associated feelings, and both feelings and events stay locked together. It is possible for a person to exist in two states simultaneously. Hidden experiences when replayed are intense, and affect how we feel at the time of replaying. The body reacts to our mental condition; the link between the biological and the psychological states is very strong, psychological fear of cockroaches might create a biological feeling of vomiting.

I am ok, you are ok:

Thomas Harris wrote the famous book ‘I am ok, you are ok’ based on Eric Berne’s TA. The phrase I’m OK, You’re OK is one of four “life positions” that each of us may take. The four positions are:

1. I’m Not OK, You’re OK
2. I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK
3. I’m OK, You’re Not OK
4. I’m OK, You’re OK

Harris observes in his book that people who have troubled childhood conclude I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK or I’m OK, and you are Not OK. The emphasis of the book is to help out people understand how their life position affects their communications (transactions) and relationships.

TA gives people a choice about how they react when confronted with an interpersonal situation which makes them feel uncomfortable. Harris provides practical suggestions regarding how to stay in the Adult ego state, despite provocations from others.

]]> https://drvidyahattangadi.com/transactional-analysis-for-self-help/feed/ 0 https://drvidyahattangadi.com/soft-skills-for-a-successful-career/ https://drvidyahattangadi.com/soft-skills-for-a-successful-career/#respond Tue, 07 Oct 2014 18:19:56 +0000 http://drvidyahattangadi.com/?p=1597 Soft skills for a successful career

Soft skills are personal attributes that enable someone to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people. It is a term associated with a person’s emotional quotient (EQ). Soft skills are collective traits of personality such as social graces, communication, language proficiency, expressiveness, personal habits, friendliness, and buoyancy that characterize relationships with other people.

Whereas Hard Skills are specific, technical abilities those can be defined and measured. Examples of hard skills include accounting skills, mathematical ability, software, hardware, written ability, typing, project management etc. Hard skills are essentially, any skills that can be measured in a test. Most aspects of administrative, technical, and accounting knowledge involve hard skills. Career choices are based on hard skills.

When it comes to choosing professional services of a doctor, an accountant, a lawyer, an architect or a copywriter whom do we prefer choosing? Think about it. If you are looking for a doctor, you will certainly want the most competent doctor, but if you have quite a few of them with equal competence, then you would most likely pick the one who listens to your concerns patiently; am I right? You would prefer a doctor who obviously shares information with you and offers suggestions, and above all the one who is most considerate. Likewise, among lawyers, accountants, you would look out for somebody who is the most ethical, professional and easy to work with. None of us would knowingly pick someone who is arrogant, self-centered or miserable to deal with. It’s a ‘No-No’ for someone who has poor work ethic, someone who constantly interrupts or demeans us.

Like us, business organizations also are cautious and over concerned while hiring employees. Of course technical skills are very important, knowledge is very important but, if a candidate is accompanied with soft skills besides the knowledge and technical background he/she will surely get picked up. In today’s highly competitive world, it is often the softer skills that differentiate applicants, and determine who will get hired, who will be successful and who will move up in the organization.  One survey conducted by American Express found that more than 60 percent of project managers and leaders in organizations agreed that soft skills are the most important factor when evaluating an employee’s performance.

So which are the most important soft skills a person should have?

Communication Skills: Its one of the most importantskill to succeed in life. Being able to communicate effectively helps one stand out in crowd. Whether it is spoken, written, visual or non-verbal communication one needs to constantly learn and improve the art. You don’t have to be a great orator or writer, but certainly you need to express yourself clearly in your communication. Whether it is a personal or official letter, a memo, a presentation, or a casual note the message needs to be coherent and logically presented. While speaking the tone, pitch and selection of words do matter. And in non-verbal communication body language says it all. So many times we communicate many a things which we haven’t spoken or written.

Be a good team player: Know a little bit about your coworkers; this will keep your going with them, make an effort of familiarizing others about you. Isolation from other does not help you or others and certainly not the organization. You cannot always be leader in the team; learn to sometimes be a follower. Pitch in that small information which you are aware, share it if it’s going to make a positive change. Be reliable. Offer constructive help to others. Don’t be afraid to speak up and give your thoughts during group sessions or meetings. Offering your thoughts will keep you an active helper in the decision-making process and prove you have an interest in the team. It’s very important to respect others. Don’t gossip or ridicule about your coworkers behind their backs. By gossiping you only spoil the work atmosphere.

Be adaptable: it is one of very important qualities to survive in today’s hyper-competitive and fast-paced work place atmosphere. New technologies, changing corporate structures, downsizing, outsourcing, ever changing business priorities require one to be adaptable. With such rapid, unpredictable and disruptive change all around us, it calls for patience and a spirit to react coolly in the troubled situations. It is again not important whether you emerge as a winner or loser; it simply counts on whether you can take change in your stride or not. Responding positively to change not only enables you to deal with the new and untried, but paves the way for career success, growth and satisfaction too. By being flexible and adaptable, you can move up the ladder, build new skills, increase productivity and achieve your goals. What’s more, it makes the work appealing and gratifying too. In the ever-changing workplace, this basic skill even becomes the key to survival.

Problem Solving: Problem solving is again a key skill, and it’s one that can make a huge difference to your career. At work, problems are at the center of what many people do every day. You’re either solving an internal problem or external problem, by supporting those who are solving problems, or discovering new problems to solve. The problems you face can be large or small, simple or complex, and easy or difficult, stuck or unstuck to solve. Please understand this, our brain cannot find solutions if we only focus on the problem. This is because when we focus on the problem, we in fact feed ‘negativity’ which in turn activates negative emotions in the brain. These emotions block potential solutions. Don’t ignore the problem but, find workable solutions by remaining calm. It helps to first acknowledge the problem and then move focus on creating a mindset to think practically. Stop lingering on what went wrong, who created the problem, what intentions the problem maker has, whose fault is it etc.etc. Instead think what approach to assume, view the problem neutrally, think laterally, stop using negative self talk, and simplify the course of action.

Creative thinking:It’s not enough to be able to collect data and manipulate it. You must also be able to analyze and interpret it. It’s important to make yourself creative and evolving as a better person at each juncture in life. It’s in your best interests to help improve the creative performance of your team. Creative meetings are a great opportunity to spot gaps and close them. There are many creative ideas which might not have struck you, but when confronted with others who are passionately arguing for highly creative yet hardly strategic concepts, some idea might strike. Creativity is not only your domain; learn to spot the creativity in others around you. It’s perfectly alright to accept other’s ideas and shape them. Don’t forget to give credit to the person whose idea you are utilizing.

Negotiation skill:Negotiation is a method by which people settle differences. It is a process by which conciliation or agreement is reached while avoiding argument and dispute. Negotiation is inevitable in life. It has to be adopted from time to time. Conflict and disagreement will arise as the differing needs, wants, aims and beliefs of people change. Without negotiation, such conflicts may lead to disputes and resentments resulting in one or all of the parties feeling disappointed. The point of negotiation is to try to reach agreements without causing future barriers to communications. In any disagreement, individuals understandably aim to achieve the best possible outcome for their position, or an organization they represent. However, the principles of fairness, seeking reciprocated benefit and maintaining a healthy relationship are the keys to a success. Therefore the negotiation skill is vital.

Leadership: The ability to lead effectively is one of the most important skills. This skill can boost your career in effect. It involves dealing with diverse people with diverse cultures, diverse ideas, and diverse personalities. The leader has to be people’s man/woman. The leader should create a motivated and enthused team of people to archive organizational goals and objectives. A leader is the one knows the way, goes the way and shows the way. Leaders establish the behavioral realities at the workplace. They establish and embody the real values of the organization and, by extension, its rela­tionships with customers, suppliers, competitors, policy makers, government, and to environmentalists – to all out there. A leader’s canvass has to be large enough to support the details, objectives, methodology, scope and the goals to be achieved. He is required to provide true perspective. He should create a picture of future with lots of colors in it – making it striking for his followers.  Because if the picture of future is absurd no matter how he convinces his subordinates, they will start searching for the truth. Each one believes what is seen. There is no other powerful shaper of behavior in the organization than the leader of it. In an organization the leader is considered an archetype. Therefore, practice what you preach.