What is the point in spending a life ceaselessly trying to please people who are perhaps incapable of ever being pleased? In other words why should we try hard to always be seen as doing what others expect of you? And what do we gain when we always try to live up to other’s expectations from us; I think it is a sure road to a regretful existence.  I have seen people earning fat salaries, some leading their own enterprises, but in spite of all the monitory and material success they are not independent. Remember this basic truth: no one knows you better than you know yourself. And, how you seem to others and how you actually are, rarely matches.  Even if others get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle.  What other people think of you will rarely contain the whole truth. If this bothers you, how can you call yourself an independent person? If someone forms an opinion of you, based on surface signals then it’s up to them, not you. Why should you struggle to change other’s opinions?  Leave it to them to worry about.  If you know who you are, that’s best for you.

How to stop overstretching yourself to please others

If we are guided by the opinions of people whom we trust, that’s healthy. But, let’s not forget a fact that it’s only YOU who can define what’s possible for you and your life. And, if you allow people to decide things for you, they will destroy your confidence, your zeal, your abilities all of this.  This small inspiring story beautifully explains my point.

There was once a bunch of tiny frogs, who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high well. A big crowd gathered around the well to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began. No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the well. They shouted, “Oh, way too difficult!!! They will NEVER make it to the top,” “poor things don’t have a chance,” “the well is too high”. The tiny frogs began collapsing, one by one except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, “It’s too difficult! No one will make it!” More tiny frogs got tired and gave up… But one continued higher and higher. This one wouldn’t give up! And he reached the top. Everyone wanted to know how this one frog managed such a great feat.

What was his secret? This little frog was deaf!! The wisdom of this story is: Ignore the pessimism of others, because it can take your dreams from you. Stay positive. Know thyself.

Why you should stop overstretching yourself to please others

When we give our power away, to the so called “experts” they start bullying us. Instead, weighing up all our facts and feelings about an issue, as honestly as possible, can help us to form an independent opinion based on realities. Rational independence is being able to think for ourselves; regardless of what others think and say. It involves accessing our resources, listening to our inner voice, weighing up all the facts and feelings we have accumulated, and forming opinions based on this. Mental independence is the basis of independent thinking, independent decision-making which leads to independent actions and behavior.

We behave independently when we gain mental independence, because it is only after we can think independently, we start making independent choices in life. It starts from what to eat, what to wear, and what to study, how to develop hobbies, and where to live, where to work etc In other words, mental independence enables us to act independently. Behavioral independence involves freedom from control or influence of others. Independence means you don’t need others to hold your hand every step in life’s journey. We must learn to go alone sometimes. We don’t need permission to grow.  One biggest fact is of life is: not everyone who started with us will finish with us.  And that’s perfectly OK.

I think, instead of living like a ‘’Bonsai” which is a dwarfing process of a tree, it is better to grow with originality. When we bother about how others label us we give them the power to turn us into shapes of their choice. We all get one life in which we learn from our mistakes. We are going to mess up sometimes.  But, if we learn to listen to our intuitions, we get to decide the path. At the end, happiness is simply living your life your own way!!!

Many must have noticed in some or the other parties some guys turning into quarrelsome jerks when they are drunk, while some other guys get all blubbery, saying things like “I love you, I missed you, you are such wonderful person man” to everyone. Such drunken guys and girls are sometimes pain; some burst out crying and sometimes there are guys who spill out secrets of others. Does the personality of people who get intoxicated reflect their true disposition? Does their real personality get unmasked because the alcohol makes it impossible to keep up the façade? Or does alcohol just do weird things to our brain, with mottled but not significant results?

Some people get very serious and philosophical when intoxicated. They sit in a corner looking at ceiling with a very serious face. Rarely people behave the same as their natural self when they get intoxicated. Does the behavior vary depending on the drink? Let’s say if they drink beer, wine or hard liquor? I have observed some of my friends become really happy when they have beer; some get into a lousy mood when they consume rum; and there are two friends of mine who start singing and dancing loud and glad to be alive when they mix drinks. I think generally, the person that comes out with the application of alcohol is that person’s “real” personality. It’s because alcohol lowers a person’s inhibitions, so whatever facades of their personality they would normally bottle up for fear of social unacceptability are just dropped due to intoxication. it’s usually the ugly opinions that people keep bottled up that tend to pop out when alcohol is consumed……everyone has a child hidden deep down, the child pops up and we get those expressions like “I love you, man” and those hugs and kisses.

Alcohol has been a part of the human diet for at least 10,000 years. In the U.S., over 65% of adults regularly have at least one alcoholic beverage a year. Typically, a low-to moderate amount of alcohol is defined as no more than one drinks a day for women and older adults, and two for men. One drink is usually one 1/2 ounce or 15 grams of alcohol, which equals approximately 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof liquor. However, these guidelines are tailored by each individual.

However, alcohol tends to make your inhibitions go away. It makes a normally quiet person feel quite gritty and talkative. And, sometimes makes a decently normal person angry and asshole. One evident fact is that inhibitions are part of our genes, part of our personality, and also part of our learned behavior. We have read and sometimes seen famous personalities get into brawls after consuming alcohol.  Shahrukh and Salman (both Khans) had a huge fight at Katrina Kaif’s birthday. Both Sallu and SRK have worked professionally together and even been friends off screen. Both had moderate drinks at the party; SRK apparently said a few things out of line that did not go too well with Salman. It turned out to be an ugly fight. Some famous industrialists have has ugly fights in public after drinks.

After certain amount of alcohol is consumed by a person, his/her brain starts to release dopamine, the more alcohol the more dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical your brain creates to make you feel good.  It makes the body want to do things that is healthy for it. When a person consumes little more than normal drinks it will release so much dopamine that your brain can’t tell the difference between a good decision and a bad decision.

It is said drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Alcohol makes people do stuff they wouldn’t normally do. So you will see people driving at higher speed, picking up fights, singing, dancing, hugging others, passing unwanted remarks at others, doing all sorts of unusual things. Some purposely get drunk to do wrong things and say ‘sorry’ the next day with an excuse that they did all those ‘wrongs’ under the influence of alcohol.

Do you know corporate use drinking as trick? When a person gets drunk in a party, his/her boss observes the behavior. Many of his personality facets are observed by the boss, which were nicely under wrap till then. Few drinks make a person more confident, they gather more courage to express them better, and feel less accountability for their actions. Intoxicated communication is sometimes used in order to meet up certain targets or make plans in a group. A lot of confession is made under the influence of alcohol which is trickily used by the bosses.

According to Bruce Bartholow, author of “Alcohol Effects on Performance Monitoring and Adjustment: Affect Modulation and Impairment of Evaluative Cognitive Control”, alcohol doesn’t make you behave badly; it just makes you care less. For all of you trying to apologies or put right some unwanted words, the excuse, “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it” stop using this lame excuse at once. Bartholow, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Missouri College of Arts and Science, concludes that alcohol dulls the brain’s “alarm signal” that warns you when you are making a mistake. These dulled warnings are what lead to the loss of self-control we often regret after one too many.

So the next time when you are in a party, at a bar with friends, or at home taking drinks take a pause, when your brain signals that your body cannot take more drinks. Because that’s what drinking is all about: it is not a whirling, plummeting gamble of life. Don’t just throw away all your inhibitions and deliberately drown yourselves in a liquid.

For ages people have been finding the difference between attitude and prejudice as both these are feelings of human beings and are expressions that are easily confused.

Attitude is common in all human beings. People have both positive and negative attitudes towards different things.  Attitudes could be in favor of something or not in favor something. And, on the other hand, prejudice is a prejudgment of something without really knowing the facts or having exposed to the reality of a situation. Prejudice is always an adverse conclusion about somebody. However, the fact remains that both attitudes and prejudices can be seen in almost every person. Prominent psychologist Gordon Allport described attitudes as “the most distinctive and indispensable concept in contemporary social psychology”. Attitude forms an important part of our personality and the way we think is a very important element in creating the kind of life we want to live.

Jane Austen’s second novel ‘Pride and Prejudice’ was originally titled ‘First Impression’ because the appearances of the characters created the plot of the novel. However, because the novel is also concerned with the effects of the character’s first impressions, which is the prejudice, Austen found the title Pride and Prejudice more appropriate. With five daughters to be married and an indifferent husband, Mrs. Bennet (the mother of the daughters) can think of nothing else but to marry her daughters off as quickly as possible and to anyone who asks. For her, love is not a necessity when it comes to marrying well, only money is. Her daughters, however, have different ideas. Thus begins Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen’s classic story of money, marriage, love, and deception.  The novel centers on the many blunders and mix-ups that frequently evolve in relationships. Austen’s witty and often sarcastic characters turn these potential disasters into amusing and exciting situations. The novel centers on how prejudices can create havoc in life of people.

Is the rationalist assumption sound? Certainly, there is something to be said for it. After all, many of what may reasonably be described as the achievements of human moral progress could not have happened unless somebody took the task, and often the burden, of challenging and critically scrutinizing traditionally held beliefs. Slavery and gender inequality used to be taken for granted; interracial marriage used to be considered morally repulsive and was illegal in some parts of the world. Those and other past prejudices are fortunately gone. Of course, rational scrutiny by itself has never been and will never be enough to bring about significant moral and political change. It must be balanced by campaigning, bargaining, compromise, agitation, mobilization and if nothing of this works, then we see sometimes violence. But rational scrutiny is most important because good reason must be shown to promote a cause.

Attitudes are often the result of experience and also upbringing. They have a powerful influence over behavior. The fact is that while attitudes have lasting effect, they can be changed. Most humans make their decisions in life based on their attitudes. Attitude gets formed on some sort of beliefs as well. It also depends on parameters such as grasp, intelligence, broadmindedness, in short how a person sees and understands a certain phenomenon. Attitude can be either negative or positive. Also, a negative attitude can be turned to a positive attitude and vice versa. It has been found that there are two types of attitudes in humans. They are explicit attitudes and implicit attitudes. Explicit attitudes are deliberately formed ones. That means a person has developed an attitude towards something being really aware of that. An implicit attitude, on the other hand, is formed by an individual subconsciously. A person may not be aware of the attitude formed in him/her. However, attitudes are an important phenomenon in all individuals’ lives because attitudes control people’s behavior and thought patterns. Moreover, there are group attitudes that are shared by a particular group of people. It can be said that all the relationships that exist among humans are based on an attitude structure. Further, different individuals may share different attitudes towards a similar phenomenon. One may have a positive attitude regarding a certain thing whereas another person may perceive the same thing in a negative manner.

Prejudice is defined as forming of a negative attitude towards a person without having a full realization of facts. That is like making a prejudgment. There can be prejudices over age, social class, ethnicity, race, culture, family background, education, looks and so many other things. The evident thing about prejudice is that a person does not look deep into the phenomenon before making a conclusion. Somebody can have a prejudice over a person or a particular group of people, based on a misapprehension or misunderstandings because of ignorance. Prejudice is always a negative situation which should be avoided as far as possible by people.

In conclusion, when we take both attitude and prejudice, we can identify that both are human feelings towards something. Attitude can be aimed at a person, an object, a place or may be a situation whereas prejudice aims at a person or a group of people. Attitude can both be positive or negative but prejudice is always a negative phenomenon.  Attitudes are formed after a full investigation of a particular fact whereas prejudice is based on prejudgment. And lastly, prejudice can also be considered as an attitude that is not formed through an experience of the facts. Both attitudes as well as prejudice may change over the time and they are not permanent ideologies.

If people become aware of their biases, they can monitor and attempt to improve hidden attitudes before they are expressed through behavior. This compensation can include attention to language, body language and to the stigmatization felt by target groups. Research evidence suggests that a change in behavior can modify beliefs and attitudes. It would seem logical that a conscious decision to be open might lead one to widen one’s circle of friends and knowledge of other groups. Such efforts may, over time, reduce the strength of unconscious biases. The earlier we recognize that the problem is in ‘me’ and then others will sort out many issues and motive us to change.

Frederic Winslow Taylor, (1856-1915) was the first person who attempted to systematically analyze human behavior at work place. He compared the organization to a machine form; the machine with its low-priced, interchangeable parts, each of which does one specific function. Taylor said organizations are like big machines because humans working in an organization can be easily molded and can be transposable.

Like in a family or in a society, even in organizations, individuals and groups interact on different matters for the harmony and prosperity. The combined behaviors create a company climate that can reinforce or depress an organization’s success. Each individual and his behavior matters because business processes are interdependent. Therefore, while working from within a company’s structure, both management and staff might have difficulty in recognizing patterns of behavior and also how intensely those patterns can influence a company’s performance. The leadership is extremely important to create positive influence and positive atmosphere by helping the employees to grasp and work on achieving mission, vision and goals of the organization; this is where OB is important. Every person working in an organization from the gate keeper, sweeper to the CEO is involved in the company’s future. If the internal atmosphere is good in an organization, it projects a strong external manifestation.

OB relies heavily on social sciences and psychology. When an individual joins an organization he is concerned with his personal growth. But his interpersonal relations are important for the organizational competence and in return the group dynamics. The individual’s behavior is thus very important from the organization’s perspective. If the individual speaks good of his organization outside, it showcases the cultural strength of the organization. People are the key to an organization’s survival.

The importance of organizational behavior rests in understanding how individuals, groups, and organizational structures interact and affect one another. OB studies, examines communication patterns between individuals and groups, as well as the structure and culture of organizations. Many culturally and financially weak individuals have blossomed and grown after joining good workplaces. A detailed look at workplace behavior, business culture, and organizational practices generates greater insights about communication patterns and conflicts. People can make work place an exciting, fun-filled, and productive place to be, or they can make it a routine, boring, and ineffective place where everyone is apprehensive and tense. Steve Jobs, cofounder, chairman, and CEO of Apple Inc. attributed the innovations at Apple, which includes the iPod, MacBook, and iPhone, to people, noting, “Innovation has nothing to do with how many R&D dollars you have.…It’s not about money. It’s about the people you have, how you’re led, and how much you get it.” 

Such conclusions sometimes spark solution-oriented policies and organizational change, causing leaders to implement rewards systems, new communication techniques, or innovative management approaches. Learning and revising the ways in which individuals and groups in an organization interact is often very helpful. Lot of factors challenge the system: culture of the nation, infrastructural facilities, demographics, educational standards in the nation, and few other factors are critical for explaining challenges within an organization.

Apple is known for its innovative products and sleek designs. The company is also known for offering tech products at higher price points than its competitors, but consumers still line up to buy new products or purchase upgraded versions of existing products. Apple corporate culture is built on innovation, but critics report that the executives push their employees hard and expect nothing less than the best from them. The company’s focus on creating seamless consumer technology has allowed it to prosper even when other tech companies have experienced declines in sales.

Another reality is that employees fear any change in an organization. Employees are often reluctant to embrace a new technology, new posting, new process, new boss, new colleagues – they have an aversion to something new. Change which cannot be avoided under any circumstance interferes with an organization’s advancement efforts. This is where OB becomes more important. Organizational behavior in such a situation as in adopting change highlights the capable leadership from top in effectively managing fear of change across the organization. When changes take place, managing individuals and groups are important.

Organizational culture is a system of shared values, beliefs, and assumptions that governs the behavior of people in the organization. The culture of an organization is determined by the values placed on a set of characteristics, such as risk taking ability, ethical governance and appreciation of good employees in detail. When jointly there is a high level of agreement and commitment among the members of an organization on preserving these values, the organization is said to have a strong culture. An organization in which members do not agree and are not committed to the core values has a weak culture.

Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Inc., a billion-dollar cosmetics company, makes a similar point, saying, “People are definitely a company’s greatest asset. It doesn’t make any difference whether the product is cars or cosmetics. A company is only as good as the people it keeps.” Just like people, organizations come in many shapes and sizes.

The concern for ethical decision-making is key attribute among the regulators, employees, social groups and managers. It has substantially increased since failure of some of the prominent business organizations like, Satyam, Shell and Enron owing to strong social criticism of some of their business practices. Of late, prominent institutes like IIMs have now begun sensitizing students about business ethics and morality; eminent personalities like the Sri. Sri. Ravishnkar, Jaggi Vasudev or the Dalai Lama is invited to speak on business ethics and ethical behavior. A few imperative literature review shows that authors have frequently used ethics, morality and values interchangeably in the context of organizational behavior. But, this requires sufficient research to examine the linkage of ethical decision-making with organizational structure and business results.

While hiring people some organization go too far examining their cultures and behaviors. They check a list of desired attitudes and behavior before hiring employees. As far as possible they avoid hiring the wrong people, so that they can improve employee satisfaction and reduce employee turnover. Google is one such organization every industrialist might consider emulating, especially if the business is involved in the technology field. The company has an informal product development process and gives staff members access to the co-founders and chief executive.

They create a situation in an interview trying to confirm what they think of a candidate; psychologists call this confirmation bias.  Confirmation bias is the tendency to search, interpret, or prioritize information in a way that confirms one’s beliefs. A lot of scientific assessment goes in choosing the right candidate by hunting for evidence that confirms the panel’s initial impression.

Finally, much of what a manager does has to do with trying to get people to work as effectively as possible.  It involves trying to motivate each individual worker. Much of management has to do with understanding people and how they work.  Therefore, having an understanding of organizational behavior is vital to managers.

Each person has an inherent need to understand and envisage his role and his interaction with others in the organization because much of each individual’s time is spent working in or around a group of people in organization. People differ in their personalities, attitudes, and values, and an understanding of an individual’s personality is extremely important in maximizing his happiness and productivity at work. Organization Behavior theories are particularly helpful in satisfying people’s innate drives at the same time simultaneously using their strengths to accomplish vision, mission and goals of the organization. OB helps in creating a healthy work environment where individuals and organization grow concurrently.

Parliaments and legislative bodies in various countries in the world impose certain rules and principles during debates. Conventionally, there are words or phrases that are deemed unsuitable for use in the parliament whilst it is in session. In a Westminster system (democratic parliamentary system) this is called unparliamentary language and there are comparable rules in other kinds of legislative system. It’s considered unparliamentary to accuse another honorable members of lying, even if they are liars. Winston Churchill famously used the phrase “terminological inexactitude” to get around this rule.

In another famous example, according to legend, Benjamin Disraeli was told off by the commons speaker for declaring that half of the cabinet were “asses” – and responded to his censure with perhaps the greatest joke in political history. “Mr. Speaker, I withdraw” he said. “Half the cabinet is not asses.” Benjamin Disraeli was sharp indeed.

Well, what constitutes unparliamentary language is generally left to the discretion of the Speaker of the House. Part of the speaker’s job is to implement the assembly’s debating rules, one of which is that members may not use “unparliamentary” language. Legislatures must not offend the dignity of the assembly. In addition, legislators in some places are protected from prosecution and civil actions by parliamentary immunity which generally stipulates that they cannot be sued or otherwise prosecuted for anything spoken in the legislature. As a result they are expected to avoid using words or phrases that might be seen as abusing that immunity. There is a lot of slashing and thrusting which happens on the floor of Parliament’s Debating Chamber, it’s quite an ugly scene on the floor. Often, the parliamentary sessions are famous for ‘legislative violence’ which broadly refers to any aggressive clashes between members of ruing government and opposition. Inside the legislature often arguments get triggered by discordant issues and tight votes. Such clashes sometimes become so ugly that members even beat up each other. Parliaments of many countries have noted such incidents and they still regularly occur.

There are rules about what can and cannot be said. Members of Parliament (MPs) must not use indecent language, personal reflections and insults. They cannot use offensive body language either. They cannot suggest unacceptable motives nor accuse other members or the government of bribery, corruption or dishonesty; and they must not challenge the truthfulness of another MP. This sounds so phony, that even if some MP is found guilty of dubious fraud, he must not be accused by another MP.

Now, policing these fragile rules can be a tough job for the Speaker. Many MPs have had to withdraw ‘unparliamentary’ words and phrases and apologies. Some have pushed the boundaries of the meaning of bad language by using expressions that conveyed their intent without attracting the Speaker’s attention. Speakers were wise to this, though, and in the 1930s a reference of unparliamentary language was compiled.

It’s really sad that we elect MPs for doing good work and help us grow; and what do they do? After election they become larger than life, and forget their promises. These thick skinned, discourteous bunches of politicians use foul language in shoddier and shameful manner and sadly they are the ones who run the nation on behalf of us. Sorry, but we hardly find legislatures with stately image these days. A parliament floor is like any other workplace; the MPs are prone to stress and anger. The confrontational nature of politics and the high stakes often add to the fizzy tensions. There are umpteen examples legislative violence; right from assassination of Julius Caesar by Brutus in ancient Rome.

In Bolivia in 2007, an ugly fight which broke out in the lower chamber of the national legislature; the fight erupted during a debate over whether or not to try four judges on corruption charges.

In 2010, in Nigeria a fight broke out in the National Assembly after a group of members were suspended for accusing the speaker of corruption.

In Peru in 2006, Congresswomen Nancy and Elsa did not approve the free trade agreement with the United States. For that reason, they tried to escape punching and kicking the Congress security. They were suspended for 120 days from the legislature for the violent acts.

In May 2004, in Taiwan Lawmakers Chu Hsing-Yu and Lai Ching got into a brawl over legislative procedures. TV stations showed Chu grabbing Lai and trying to wrestle him onto a desk. He then tried to head butt his colleague before jabbing him in the stomach. The brawl resulted in having a traffic policeman called into the chamber to test Chu’s alcohol level, after he was accused of being drunk. The tests showed no sign of alcohol influence.

And in India recently, the controversy over the sexist remarks of Janata Dal-United leader Sharad Yadav refused to die down as he remains unapologetic in the Rajya Sabha that witnessed uproar over his insubordinate attitude. With Human Resource Development Minister Smriti Irani appealing to him not to bring in issues like colour of women, the JD-U leader retorted in a tone of scorn, “Who are you? Why should I apologize? I raised a very important issue of discrimination on colour.” So Yadav thinks of himself as a ‘Hero’.  These and many such incidents lead us to feel sorry about state of affairs.

It’s worth noting that in Australian Senate the words “liar” and “dumbo” were ordered to be withdrawn and deemed unparliamentary during a session in 1997.

In Canada, these are some of the words and phrases that Speakers through the years have ruled “unparliamentary.” parliamentary pugilist (1875), a bag of wind (1878), inspired by forty-rod whiskey (1881), coming into the world by accident (1886), blatherskite (1890), the political sewer pipe from (1917), lacking in intelligence (1934), a dim-witted saboteur (1956), liar (consistently from 1959 to the present) and hypocrisy, hypocrite. Isn’t it amusing?

The President of the Legislative Council of Hong Kong in 1996 ordered out for using some of phrases such as ‘Foul grass grows out of a foul ditch, when referring to some of the members.

In 2012, the Indian Parliament published a book of words and phrases that were considered to be unparliamentary: Bad Man, Badmashi, and Bag of shit, Bandicoot, Communist, Double-minded, Goonda, Rat, Ringmaster, Scumbag and Chutzpah – hilarious indeed.

In Ireland, the lower house of the Parliament has ruled that it is disorderly for one legislature to use words such brat, buffoon, chancer, communist, corner boy, coward, fascist and rat etc against another legislature.

And, do you know in Belgium there is no such thing as unparliamentary language. A member of parliament is allowed to say anything he or she wishes when inside parliament. This is considered necessary in Belgium to be able to speak of a democratic state and is a constitutional right.

Shekar Kapur, the famous film director twitted recently that the blame game in Parliament is making mockery of democracy as it consumes minds of people that are supposed to lead nation.

Mark Twain’s famous quote “Politicians and diapers should be changed often, and for the same reason.”  This was slightly altered by California Libertarian candidate John Wallner used the line often in 1992. “Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason” is a saying that has appeared on bumper stickers, but is of unknown origin. The popular saying (implying that both politicians and diapers start clean, but quickly become full of stuff) has been cited in print from at least 1992.

]]> https://drvidyahattangadi.com/fiascos-of-unparlimentary-language/feed/ 0 https://drvidyahattangadi.com/the-abc-of-rational-emotive-therapy/ https://drvidyahattangadi.com/the-abc-of-rational-emotive-therapy/#respond Mon, 02 Feb 2015 02:20:51 +0000 http://drvidyahattangadi.com/?p=2118 The ABC of Rational Emotive Therapy

Change is simply inevitable. Change is something that will happen no matter how hard we try to stop it. Change is a part of the world we live in. Day turns into night and night into new day. Sun rises and sets. Seasons change. A new born slowly starts maturing. With every passing moment, events change. And most of these events cannot be predicted. Sometimes, the changes that take place in our lives are slow, and sometimes even anticipated. While other times, the changes are immediate and sudden. Abrupt changes can throw us into a place of fear and uncertainty.

Both abrupt and anticipated changes make us anxious. Moreover, changes whether anticipated or unanticipated don’t always produce an outcome that we favor; for instance, a couple might date for 10 years, get married and soon their relation becomes wobbly. The couple might have had anticipated good time in the 10 years dating, but things end in bad taste. In another example, a student hardly prepares for a competitive exam; he gives the exam for the heck of it but passes it! So, the point is we hardly have any control on events taking place in our life.

Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) was first developed by Albert Ellis (American Psychologist) in the 1950s. Although Ellis had initially done work in the field of Behaviorism, later became convinced of the causal nature of cognitive (conscious intellectual thinking) processes. He went on and developed a model of behavior that involves a continuous relationship between environmental factors and the internal mental state of human mind. According to Ellis, a person’s cognitive process determines according to his expectations from life, and the way he interacts with life. A happy person will interact happily with others, while a depressed person might interact with a weighed down attitude with others.

For Ellis, the alphabets ABC offered insights into how to overcome self-defeated behaviors and cognition. The “A” here stands for activating events in life. It includes of all good, bad and the ugly events in life. The everyday obstacles and difficulties that everyone is forced to deal with just as a consequence of interacting with the world. The “B” stands for our belief system. It is our belief system which leads us to think positive in an adverse situation to overcome the hardship. The “C” represents the consequences that arise as a result of our belief. Negative beliefs underpin and contribute to negative outcomes, and that having positive beliefs about confronting adversity naturally lead to good results.

From the moment one comes into the world, begins to develop his/her belief system. A person’s belief system forms on all rational and irrational inputs which go into him. As a child one does not have a well formed capacity for logical inference therefore developing one’s belief system is not necessarily rational process. It is rather a process based upon one’s experience in the world. As a person matures, his abilities develop and his understandings expand. He starts gathering information and he gathers evidence for making decisions. His belief system also depends a lot on his traditional background. He makes or breaks dogmas depending on how authoritative he is. On the other hand, if a person is vulnerable and a follower of some bossy associates in life, his associations matter a lot.  Cheerful and positive associations make us happy, negative associations make us sadder and nagger. Revelations are equally important in our life in constructing our belief system. Revelation has the power to unmask things and it can unfold many mysteries in life. Revelation is divinity. Wisdom helps us to live healthier life.

“C” is consequences. They are result or effect, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant. They also mean an act or instance of following an act. Consequence is a result or an outcome.

 People have slaughtered each other in wars, people have gone length into investigations which sometimes are twisted and turned as per demand of time. Irrational politics in the world has created havoc leaving the rationality far behind. Bad political actions for centuries have been based on racism, religion and dogmas. See how powerful beliefs are. They are so overly powerful that they can make or break global systems. I want to quote here yesterday, on 7^th Jan 2015 how some brilliant cartoonists in France were killed by some fundamentalists.

Belief in religion makes people so blind that yesterday’s news of hooded gunmen killing cartoonists with pen names Charb, Wolinski, Cabu, Tignous and Honore who were famous for expressing their feelings towards all forms of authority with the world’s spiky, no-holds-barred political cartoons. Religion can make us so blind. These cartoonists’s irreverence has cost them their lives. They were most revered and controversial cartoonists in France. And why were these intelligent and fearless cartoonists shot? It’s because they drew caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad and other controversial sketches which raged feelings of Islamic community. See how our beliefs can mar our logic very easily.

Throughout history, humankind has paid reverence to beliefs and mystical thinking. Organized religion has played the most significant role in the support and propagation of beliefs and faith. This has resulted in an acceptance of beliefs in general; regardless of how one may reject religion, religious support of supernatural events gives credibility to other superstitions in general and the support of faith, belief without evidence, mysticism, and miracles. Most scientists, politicians, philosophers, and even atheists support the notion that some forms of belief provide a valuable means to establish “truth” as long as it contains the backing of data and facts. Belief has long become a socially acceptable form of thinking in science as well as religion.

It is therefore very important to change, to twist our old and trodden belief system and design a healthy and empowering system. However, it is interesting to note that rational thinking requires the adherence to beliefs.

Artificial beliefs and memories can affect people’s attitudes, at least in the short term. One gets to choose his beliefs. One also get to choose the actions that he chooses to take but sorry nobody gets to choose the consequences of his beliefs. According Rational Emotive Therapy, people contribute to their own psychological problems by the way they interpret events and situations. However, every human is empowered to change his belief system. Irrational beliefs in our life only trouble us and do not help us. One can learn skills to get over the disputing irrational thinking.

At any point in life, it is worth to spend some time and focus on self-interest, self-direction, and tolerance of self and others, flexibility, self-acceptance, and scientific thinking. It is always better to adopt this type of balanced thinking which helps in experiencing a minimum of emotional disturbance. Albert Ellis said that all psychological problems stem from the way people think about things. The core of much psychological trouble comes because of irrational ideas that are self-defeating.

So friends, the beliefs you have about yourself can drive your long-term behavior. Maybe you can trick yourself into taking some important decisions that requires your basic behavior. But, if you don’t shift your underlying identity, then it’s hard to stick with long-term changes. The root of behavior change and building better habits is your uniqueness. Each action you perform is driven by the fundamental belief that it is possible. So if you change your identity – the type of person that you believe that you are, then it’s easier to change your actions. You are the carver of your destiny.

Psychologists say if a person laughs too much, even at stupid things, he is lonely deep inside. Loneliness is a composite and usually unpleasant emotional response of many people. While, some people like to be alone; they enjoy isolation. I think, even when you are surrounded by many people, you can be lonely. Loneliness comes because of lack of connectedness,company, when you feel you don’t belong to the crowd. Don’t we all feel this sometime? I have seen people sitting quietly in corner in marriages, parties, get-to-gathers or a concert etc. I think when you really don’t feel like mingling with others, you are feeling lonely. One can feel lonely even marriage, relationship, career, friendship – a vacuum is felt. The causes of loneliness are varied which include social, intellectual or emotional factors. It’s better to come out of the loneliness phase as early as possible. It’s better to realize that loneliness is a feeling and not a fact.

Psychologists say if a person sleeps a lot, he is sad. Not necessarily. Some people when they are sad sleep a lot, while others struggle to sleep. But, why depressed people lie in bed most of the time? It’s not because they want to snuggle under the blankets, but it’s because depressed people can’t bring themselves out of the bed. For them almost any action, bustle or task becomes a painful ordeal. Even a simple task such as taking a shower, brushing teeth, or even getting up to go to washroom or getting dressed becomes difficult for depressed people. Lack of motivation, lack of any direction and lack of enthusiasm keeps them in bed.

Psychologists say if a person speaks less but speaks fast, he keeps secrets and lies. Lying is a pervasive trend which we all do to some degree. Sometimes we see that someone associated with us is a blatant liar. Many times we can spot the fibs but we decide to keep mum over them. Liars are quite often worried about being caught – therefore they speak up fast. They speak fast because they don’t want to give the correct information. They quickly jump to answers, give irrelevant details which are inconsistent. A research has proved that people lie because they want to conceal truth. When people intentionally want to hide something, they speak less and if they speak, they speak very fast. And another A research at Harvard proves that powerful people are superior liars.  If someone is constantly in powerful position, his/her lying improves. When people are given power, they are in more comfortable position while lying. And it becomes hard to detect their lies because of their positions.

Psychologists say if someone can’t cry, he is weak. More women are voicing their belief that men and boys should be encouraged to express sensitive emotions. When a man sheds tears, it means that he lives by a code of values and cares enough to show emotion when things went wrong. Medieval warriors and Japanese samurai cried during times of epic tragedy. In Western culture, a man’s capacity to cry indicates his honesty and integrity. Abraham Lincoln used strategic tears during his speeches, and modern presidents have followed the suit. Healthier men and women do not resist crying; people cry out their suppressed emotions, as crying allows them to vent out. It is very true that weaker people don’t cry.  Strong emotions cause our brains to release chemicals that indirectly lead to teary eyes. A flow of tears not only shoots up the level of endorphins – natural chemicals within the body, but it proves a sense of well-being and relieving stress. A flow of tears also release toxins from our body making us healthier. So, dear friends, crying is a healthier sign.

Psychologists say that if someone eats in an abnormal manner, he is tense. Nervous or tense people eat even when they are not hungry; they use food as a way to deal with feelings instead to satisfy hunger. It happens to all of us sometime or the other. Sometimes we finish the entire packet of chips, or occasionally we eat 4 bananas out of anxiety or boredom. I have seen children eating a lot prior to their exams. But when we eat a lot, especially without realizing it, eating can affect or weight, health, and overall well-being. It’s better to make the connection between eating and our feelings. It’s better to understand what drives us to eat so much. Emotional eating is prompted by negative feelings. Yes, people often turn to food when they’re stressed out, lonely, sad, anxious, or bored.

Psychologists say that if someone cries on little things, he is innocent & soft-hearted. Biologically, there may be a reason why women cry more than men: Testosterone may inhibit crying, while the hormone Prolactin which is seen in higher levels in women may promote it.  You will watch some people crying in theater while watching some emotional scenes or television serials. Innocent people believe Innocence implies lesser experience, lesser exposure in either a relative view to social peers, or by an absolute comparison to a more common normative scale. In comes out of ignorance, lack of knowledge, lack of experience and lack of wrongdoing, whereas greater knowledge comes from doing wrong.

Psychologists say that if someone becomes angry over silly or petty (small) things, it means he needs love. Anger can occur when people don’t feel well, feel rejected, feel threatened, or experience some loss. The type of pain does not matter; the important thing is that the pain experienced is unpleasant. Because anger never occurs in isolation but rather is necessarily preceded by pain feelings, it is often characterized as a ‘secondhand’ emotion. Remember, when a person gets angry over small things it is a sign that he/she needs lots of love. A person craves for attention/love – and when he does not get it he loses his temper over small things. Real love makes us feel vulnerable.

I love this beautiful quote by Anonymous: I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I’ve known sadness.

Life is nothing but a paradox.