Change is simply inevitable. Change is something that will happen no matter how hard we try to stop it. Change is a part of the world we live in. Day turns into night and night into new day. Sun rises and sets. Seasons change. A new born slowly starts maturing. With every passing moment, events change. And most of these events cannot be predicted. Sometimes, the changes that take place in our lives are slow, and sometimes even anticipated. While other times, the changes are immediate and sudden. Abrupt changes can throw us into a place of fear and uncertainty.

Both abrupt and anticipated changes make us anxious. Moreover, changes whether anticipated or unanticipated don’t always produce an outcome that we favor; for instance, a couple might date for 10 years, get married and soon their relation becomes wobbly. The couple might have had anticipated good time in the 10 years dating, but things end in bad taste. In another example, a student hardly prepares for a competitive exam; he gives the exam for the heck of it but passes it! So, the point is we hardly have any control on events taking place in our life.

Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) was first developed by Albert Ellis (American Psychologist) in the 1950s. Although Ellis had initially done work in the field of Behaviorism, later became convinced of the causal nature of cognitive (conscious intellectual thinking) processes. He went on and developed a model of behavior that involves a continuous relationship between environmental factors and the internal mental state of human mind. According to Ellis, a person’s cognitive process determines according to his expectations from life, and the way he interacts with life. A happy person will interact happily with others, while a depressed person might interact with a weighed down attitude with others.

For Ellis, the alphabets ABC offered insights into how to overcome self-defeated behaviors and cognition. The “A” here stands for activating events in life. It includes of all good, bad and the ugly events in life. The everyday obstacles and difficulties that everyone is forced to deal with just as a consequence of interacting with the world. The “B” stands for our belief system. It is our belief system which leads us to think positive in an adverse situation to overcome the hardship. The “C” represents the consequences that arise as a result of our belief. Negative beliefs underpin and contribute to negative outcomes, and that having positive beliefs about confronting adversity naturally lead to good results.

From the moment one comes into the world, begins to develop his/her belief system. A person’s belief system forms on all rational and irrational inputs which go into him. As a child one does not have a well formed capacity for logical inference therefore developing one’s belief system is not necessarily rational process. It is rather a process based upon one’s experience in the world. As a person matures, his abilities develop and his understandings expand. He starts gathering information and he gathers evidence for making decisions. His belief system also depends a lot on his traditional background. He makes or breaks dogmas depending on how authoritative he is. On the other hand, if a person is vulnerable and a follower of some bossy associates in life, his associations matter a lot.  Cheerful and positive associations make us happy, negative associations make us sadder and nagger. Revelations are equally important in our life in constructing our belief system. Revelation has the power to unmask things and it can unfold many mysteries in life. Revelation is divinity. Wisdom helps us to live healthier life.

“C” is consequences. They are result or effect, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant. They also mean an act or instance of following an act. Consequence is a result or an outcome.

 People have slaughtered each other in wars, people have gone length into investigations which sometimes are twisted and turned as per demand of time. Irrational politics in the world has created havoc leaving the rationality far behind. Bad political actions for centuries have been based on racism, religion and dogmas. See how powerful beliefs are. They are so overly powerful that they can make or break global systems. I want to quote here yesterday, on 7^th Jan 2015 how some brilliant cartoonists in France were killed by some fundamentalists.

Belief in religion makes people so blind that yesterday’s news of hooded gunmen killing cartoonists with pen names Charb, Wolinski, Cabu, Tignous and Honore who were famous for expressing their feelings towards all forms of authority with the world’s spiky, no-holds-barred political cartoons. Religion can make us so blind. These cartoonists’s irreverence has cost them their lives. They were most revered and controversial cartoonists in France. And why were these intelligent and fearless cartoonists shot? It’s because they drew caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad and other controversial sketches which raged feelings of Islamic community. See how our beliefs can mar our logic very easily.

Throughout history, humankind has paid reverence to beliefs and mystical thinking. Organized religion has played the most significant role in the support and propagation of beliefs and faith. This has resulted in an acceptance of beliefs in general; regardless of how one may reject religion, religious support of supernatural events gives credibility to other superstitions in general and the support of faith, belief without evidence, mysticism, and miracles. Most scientists, politicians, philosophers, and even atheists support the notion that some forms of belief provide a valuable means to establish “truth” as long as it contains the backing of data and facts. Belief has long become a socially acceptable form of thinking in science as well as religion.

It is therefore very important to change, to twist our old and trodden belief system and design a healthy and empowering system. However, it is interesting to note that rational thinking requires the adherence to beliefs.

Artificial beliefs and memories can affect people’s attitudes, at least in the short term. One gets to choose his beliefs. One also get to choose the actions that he chooses to take but sorry nobody gets to choose the consequences of his beliefs. According Rational Emotive Therapy, people contribute to their own psychological problems by the way they interpret events and situations. However, every human is empowered to change his belief system. Irrational beliefs in our life only trouble us and do not help us. One can learn skills to get over the disputing irrational thinking.

At any point in life, it is worth to spend some time and focus on self-interest, self-direction, and tolerance of self and others, flexibility, self-acceptance, and scientific thinking. It is always better to adopt this type of balanced thinking which helps in experiencing a minimum of emotional disturbance. Albert Ellis said that all psychological problems stem from the way people think about things. The core of much psychological trouble comes because of irrational ideas that are self-defeating.

So friends, the beliefs you have about yourself can drive your long-term behavior. Maybe you can trick yourself into taking some important decisions that requires your basic behavior. But, if you don’t shift your underlying identity, then it’s hard to stick with long-term changes. The root of behavior change and building better habits is your uniqueness. Each action you perform is driven by the fundamental belief that it is possible. So if you change your identity – the type of person that you believe that you are, then it’s easier to change your actions. You are the carver of your destiny.

Why we like some people while hate others?

We all have our own triggers when it comes to dealing with “difficult” people.  Now, whom I label as difficult might be a friend of yours; or may be the most liked person in some association or group. Our likes and dislikes stem from our upbringing, conditions, perspectives, and our experiences in life.  It sounds illogical at times, while explaining others regarding our likes and dislikes. But, once our beliefs are formed which are sum total of all our life’s experience it becomes a bit difficult to delete it all.

As we grow up, our unconscious recognitions and identifications of who we are, what we believe in, what we like or dislike, what we hope for, what we fear, what we want etc. are shaped by our personal experiences and environmental conditioning. We tend to seek out and attract people who will confirm to us what we already think, believe, expect or want to know more about. And, yet we hardly have control on people who exists in our lives; we cannot choose our relatives, our neighbors, our colleagues, our classmates, our bosses, our peers, we have absolutely no control over our life associations. The most profound truth is we don’t even choose our parents and siblings. When you find yourself liking or disliking someone it is because you are picking up on the vibrations that a person is emitting at that given time, and this you are doing in a particular state of mind.

Our life is nothing but a big story comprising of short inter-woven stories. Some of those short stories are pleasant while some might not be so good. Now all those short stories (experiences) are connected with other people. We feel good when we are with some people and some people make us feel uncomfortable. We feel a sense of ease around some of them. Those people, who vibrate states opposite to ours at any given time, make us feel bad or uneasy. Some of them aresensitive, moldable and some people really don’t care for anything.

For some people telling lies is a habit; it becomes a pattern of life for them; while for some cheating or deceiving habit is by default. There are those others for whom moral values are bygones.  While some are sensitive; some are caring, some friendly, helpful and compassionate.

There is something very intense to know about our like-hate feelings; that all the qualities we hate in others are things that we see in ourselves and don’t like. So, when you meet people who ‘exhibit’ the qualities that you like about yourself, you click with them. We also tend to like certain people when we find in them a mixture of the things that we like about ourselves and the opposite of the things we hate about ourselves. However, we click with this combination of people, I suppose because they portray both qualities which we like about ourselves and dislike about ourselves.

Each of us is unique. While falling in love, we don’t fall in love with just anyone. We have deep and peculiar preferences. Why do we fall in love with that one person rather than anyone else? Research has proved that there is much evidence that people generally fall in love with those who share the same socioeconomic and cultural background; also, the age is similar, with the same degree of intelligence and level of education, and with a similar sense of humor and grade of attractiveness. But, when we come across multiple people from our background, with our level of education, degree of intelligence and good looks, we don’t fall in love with all of them, we choose only one. That’s because there is room only for one. Love is of your own free will accepted illusion. Sure, when we fall in love, we feel that we’re in love, but feeling – like everything else we experience is hunky-dory – all originates from the brain.

Among the countless elements that shape our romantic choices is an unconscious list of qualities we begin to build in childhood. Characteristics of our parents; mother’s efficiency in kitchen, her style of dressing up, her sense of humor, her warmth; father’s looks, his style of dressing, his interest in cars, politics, games; our siblings – their characteristics, their likes and dislikes. So there we go, our childhood and adult experiences shape and reshape outline of our romantic partner. We either follow our mother or father. One of them influences us terribly; so, sometime if we are told so and so qualities are best suited for your partner; we start searching for one such partner. Each one of us constructs an eccentric/idiosyncratic catalog of traits, values, aptitudes, and mannerisms that appeal to us. Then, when the timing is right and we meet a person with those traits he/she registers on our love map.

Let’s accept like we do, others also have right to like or dislike us. We should not have the great feeling about ourselves that others should unconditionally accept us for what we are. If someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t have to matter. The great Albert Ellis who was an American psychologist and who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) said that one of the best ways to create desolation is to work from the mindset that all people must like you at all times. If you have this notion – for God’s sake you will not only fail at it, but this approach to life will cause you to constantly be modifying your own thoughts, behaviors and identity to suit the perceived desires of those around you. This sugary pretense will ultimately be detected and people will know you aren’t being your true self. This just won’t cut it.

So, friends it’s perfectly fine to like some people while not like others. It’s very normal. The best thing to do is accept that this fact. Having accepted this fact, we need to do something further; let’s not waste time on being judgmental about others around us. We don’t realize this but it is time consuming activity. We’re all mortal, human, and totally imperfect. And, when you think you are being judged, you probably aren’t. It’s really too hard to judge every single person you meet, analyzing their flaws and imperfections. Push your limits little further – for concentrating on yourself – increasing your self-worth.  Learn to catch yourself when you start over-thinking about others. Recognize this pattern of abuse and do something to overcome it. The only thing that needs to shift in order for you to experience more happiness, more love, and more vitality, is accepting you have power to change yourself not others. In short, LIVE AND LET LIVE.